Termoil

Life is a little tricky at the moment. As I write this I’m sitting on a couch in the girls HC at camp. I told B** a lot of stuff yesterday and it felt good to share it. I’m glad I told him but I’m also nervous that I’ve admitted it, it makes it so much more real. Maybe it's not as bad as I think? Maybe it's normal? Maybe it’s not? I honestly don’t know. Now was a bad time to start experimenting but maybe it was the right time? I feel like I have relaxed a bit more and no longer have to keep up this goody good role and always be little miss perfect. I’m nervous about going home and falling straight (lol) back into the same patterns.

After J**** left so suddenly and with that whole situation I’m not feeling the greatest. I think I know why I feel like this but i’m scared to admit it. I was so excited for the next few weeks and all the stuff we would do on our time off. Now I want to curl up in my bed and not talk to any of them. I’m angry that they ruined this for me and how they treated J**** but also sad about how the situation affected everyone including me. I'm surprised by my reaction and for a while, had to spend a while over by the boat sheds to get it out. I can’t seem to get passed the idea of crying as a sign of weakness. I hate that I think that, but I do. I know I play the part of not caring and not feeling emotions that much. For the most part I have excellent control of myself and rarely show it, but for certain things I can’t. For instance when I am angry I have no filter and am extremely sensitive.

I know I’m slipping again but I don’t know what I can do. I know some people around me have noticed my behaviour so I have to try harder. Andrea pulled me over before breakfast and asked if I was ok because I looked sad at breakfast. I couldn’t even bring myself to smile when I said that i’m fine. She bought it. Adam might be suspicious because he always seems to catch me at the worst times, but I’m also a little mad at him for not seeming to care about everything that happened. Everyone here seemed to love J**** and they had known her for years, now suddenly no one will even mention her. It honestly breaks my heart that people are so quick to judge and shun. This is exactly why I hate drama.