Dear Ben

Dear Ben

I know this isn't really a way to tell you. Then again maybe it is. I don't know if you check this blog or even remember it. But here goes nothing.

You're honestly one of my best friends. You're the only one I fully told about this blog. I've told one other person and read them a poem or two but I never let them see it let alone gave them the link. You have an amazing sense of humor and actually find me funny (I think). I know we haven't ever gone past being friends but that was entirely your doing. at the time I had a major crush on you and I know you knew. I got so much crap for that from family and friends and to be honest it really hurt me that you didn't feel the same way, especially when it got back to me that essentially if I was more active or thinner you might be interested. It would have hurt and I probably would have handled it badly but I would have really appreciated an honest conversation with you about it. You know I suck at understanding social cues and inferring what people mean. I was genuinely second guessing myself about who you were going to ask to the ball. I know it was obvious to you and you tried to make it obvious to me but I have insecurity issues that I'm still working on and I needed you to tell me straight up. I couldn't believe that the guy I liked actually wanted to ask me. Even if it was just as friends. When you left it to the last minute I was really worried and doubting. The gossip leading up to it made me anxious for weeks. I told you bluntly just to ask. No flowers. No frill. No big event. Just ask. I didn't want to be the centre of attention and I didn't need a grand gesture. All I wanted was you. 

I don't know if you know but it was really hard for me to tell you about my parents splitting. I spent most of the day either crying, distracting myself or binge eating before I finally contacted you. I didn't want to talk about it and I really appreciated you just being there. I knew you wouldn't break my confidence and I trusted you. While I still trust you I don't tell you what I'm going through any more. We talk reasonably openly I guess, but the way I hear you talk about how you help your friends from uni it makes it feel like a burden to you and you have so much drama you are already dealing with. I just don't want to add to it. Instead I bottle it up. I didn't tell you when I have nowhere to go and sit in parking lots in my car because I don't want to be at either house. I didn't tell you that I cried myself to sleep for months after Scout died or that I still do from time to time. I didn't tell you that I live out of a bag because I constantly change houses. I don't talk about the fact my dad is an alcoholic. I laugh it off and change the subject. I don't talk about the comments I get from him when he's drunk or how uncomfortable I get when he wants a hug or touches me. I don't talk about nearly every single time I see him he makes a comment about my weight or going to the gym or what I should or shouldn't be eating. I don't tell you about the conversations I over hear. How he talks to my mum or tells another woman he loves them. I don't tell you how he tries to manipulate me and how hard I have to work to be independent as much as I can. I don't tell you how lonely I am or how much it hurt me that you didn't tell me that you finally asked out Zoe. I would have been ecstatic for you and would never have let my feelings get in the way of celebrating you guys. Your friendship is worth more to me than anything. Lastly I don't tell you about how I want to run away or have thought about how to kill myself. I even tried to make a list of who would miss me for me. You didn't make it. I feel like everyone wants something from me rather than to actually be friends with me. 

I so desperately want to leave this life. I want to move to the other side of the world to get away from it. I'm drowning here and no one has noticed. I'm sorry I'm telling you this way even though I may not really be telling you at all. If you do ever read this I want to know.

Love,

Ginger Girl