O Canada

Life just keeps on moving doesn't it.

I finally did it. I moved to the other side of the world and I'm so glad that I did. I honestly don't know if I'd still be here if I'd stayed. I know a lot of my issues are self inflected or exaggerated in my head (yay for going over and over and over interactions and conversations till I read whatever probably isn't true into it) but they feel very real to me. I know they don't magically go away just because I moved but the distance from some of the people that were inflicting the most pain has been a breath of fresh air. At the same time though, I miss those people and I struggle with these conflicting feelings. I've never been good at talking about them. I see them as a weakness in myself but ironically I don't think this of others. 

Moving was the hardest thing I've ever done. I cried myself to sleep every night for the first couple of weeks and went months without touching another human. I think I found that one the hardest which was surprising. I guess it has just always been a part of my life that I took it for granted but it has really made me realise how much I need physical touch and how much I love hugs.

I'm not very good at goodbyes and it gets even harder when I don't know when I'll be back. Everyone kept asking how long I would be gone and the only thing I could think to say was that it is a 2 year visa. Deep down I don't ever want to go back. At least not while I'm still scarred. I've been fortunate enough to have a couple of people visit me over the last 2 years and I've come to dread goodbyes. I'm hardly ever more of a mess then when they leave and I return to my quiet little room. I spiral and doubt why I'm here and all that I'm missing out on back home. 

I've learnt a lot about myself here too. I know I'm my own harshest critique but sometimes I can be so consumed by myself and anxious about how much of a burden I am to those around me that I just need another perspective. The only way I have found to counter some of these and have a little bit of a reality check for myself is to ask others their opinions or views of me. I know this must be frustrating for those I ask and probably looks very self centred of me but I really need it. I try to only do it when I am desperate to escape a spiral I'm in as I have never had a positive reaction before. In retrospect it's probably a cry for help I didn't even know I was doing.

Until next time

Ginger Girl