Magic

If I could have a magic wand
You'd probably think I'd ask for another 50 pounds gone
But honestly?
I'd ask to never again:
Walk into a room and wonder if I'm the biggest one there
Pull at my shirt without realising
Sit with a pillow on my lap to hide myself
Deleted a photo because of my body
Spend my vacation worrying about what I looked like
Think about food before I even got out of bed
Because that's what I was really trying to lose
Not just weight

It wasn't really about losing weight
It was about the way I'd grab my belly in the mirror and just stand there
The clothes I chose every morning based on what hid the most
The holidays I half enjoyed because I was too in my head about how I looked
It was about being sick of envying people and feeling embarrassed that I even cared
Sick of the cycle that never ended
Good week.
Bad weekend.
Felt like I failed.
Back to square one.
Repeat.
I didn't want to be on a diet for the rest of my life
I wanted my headspace back
But at what cost