Fear

G & G - S3 E10 55:30

My biggest fear is that one day you'll see me the way I see myself.

There is a particular kind of loneliness that comes from never feeling chosen. I have never experience the kind of love people talk about so easily. The kind where someone looks at you like you are the person they want most. Instead, I have watched people I cared about give their attention and affection to someone else. I have stood on the outside of something I wanted deeply, trying to convince myself it did not matter as much as it did. After enough experiences like that, a quiet thought begins to settle in your mind: maybe that kind of love simply is not meant for you.

I don't understand why, but I feel so guilty whenever I open up about myself or my mental health. It's like I'm seeking attention, and it makes me feel so pathetic.

For the longest time, I thought my love language was just being around others, but I've learned it's actually words of affirmation. I need to hear that I'm loved. I need to hear why I matter to you. I overthink a lot, and silence makes my mind heavy, but words make it quieter. I love when feelings are explained, when reassurance isn't assumed but spoken. The little things you say stay with me longer that you realise. Deep conversations mean everything to me, especially with the people I love. Words calm my heart in a way nothing else ever has.

Sometime I feel bad for reaching out for help. That's a lie. I always feel bad when I ask for help because I'm constantly falling apart and no one wants to be constantly putting me back together. No matter how many times they say they'll always be there. No matter how much they truely believe they can fix me. To do so means they have to be there for me all the time. Constant reassurance, me texting them throughout the day, stupid mental breakdowns. That's exhausting. Only slightly less exhausting for them as it is for me. So I'd rather be exhausted all by myself. So you don't have to carry these things that you tell me you want to help me with. Because no matter how much you say that you love me, my hatred towards myself will overflow onto you and then maybe my biggest fear will come true and you will see me the way I see myself.

Ginger Girl