Au Revoir

I find talking about mental health really difficult. Almost every time I bring it up in conversation I have ulterior motives. Often times I will ask questions as a hypothetical and pretend that I am just interested in the subject and understanding it more. Anything I ask is almost always a direct reflection of questions I have regarding my own mental health. 

In all areas of my life I struggle to label things. I know so many people that will call almost anyone they know a 'friend' but to me it means so much more and takes me sometimes years to give someone that title or position. In the same way I struggle to label feelings I have. I have had a few anxiety attacks in recent years and often find myself getting worked up about little things that aren't important but I wouldn't feel comfortable saying I have anxiety. In the same way I have displayed many symptoms of depression such as loss of interest or pleasure in activities, insomnia, poor appetite, weight gain and social isolation but wouldn't feel comfortable saying that I have depression or have even had bouts of depression. 

I struggle often with thoughts of suicide. It can catch me anywhere at anytime. I could be driving down the road and think about how easy it would be to pull the steering wheel and be done. I find a power pole and count down the seconds till I get to it. I think of tying rocks to my ankles and jumping off the boat. More than anything I think of just booking a flight to the other side of the world and never coming back. It's not that I don't want to live, although at times I don't, I just don't want to live here. 

I love my family but I can't do the drama. I'm close with my mum but I barely talk to my Dad or brothers. I don't want to know my Dad and my brothers never want to do anything with me. I spent my entire childhood trying to fit in with them. I read the same books, watched them play games online, played nintendo, wii, xbox, playstation and even encouraged my friends to be friends with them too. I don't have the same interests as my friends, I made no friends at uni and I haven't settled into a career and made many colleagues. Even at my flat I felt unwanted. I wasn't invited to things even if I was in the room while they were discussing it. I am an after thought at best. I think what hurts me the most about this is that I go out of my way to include them, make them feel welcome and it is almost never reciprocated. 

Until next time 

Ginger Girl xxx